What to Do if a Loved One Lost Money to a Scammer

Scams and scammers are everywhere. Even if you haven’t personally been caught in a scam, you probably know someone who has. A recent report on fraud and identity theft found that 30% of Americans have been victims of a scam in the past twelve months. Which means that statistically, if you know more than two people, you know someone who has been a scam victim. Do you know what to do if your loved one lost money to a scam?

Whether the person has already realized they were scammed or they’re still caught up in the fraud, it’s very likely that someone you’re close to has been a victim of a scam. But there’s a lot of shame and stigma about being a scam victim. So if a loved one tells you it happened to them, or if you find out in some other way, here are some tips for responding in a helpful way that doesn’t make them feel worse.

Your Loved One Told You They Lost Money to a Scam

If a loved one tells you they lost money to a scam, remember that it takes a lot of courage. It’s hard to be vulnerable and tell anyone about these kinds of things. The fact that they told you at all means they trust you a lot.

Before you respond, remember that it’s not their fault. The common narrative is that scams are easily avoidable. If the victim had been smarter or more aware or done this or that, then they wouldn’t have been a victim. But scammers are smart and have a lot of practice. They work from playbooks of proven psychological manipulation tactics and often run scams as their full-time job. A scam is often one ordinary person up against a whole team of expert manipulators. It’s no surprise when the manipulation works.

Research has constantly found that the reasons people fall for scams have nothing to do with their intelligence, knowledge, education, or awareness. There are two major predictors of being a scam victim. First, the scammer contacts them at a time when they’re busy, in a hurry, or stressed. And second, if they’ve recently had a major emotional event, such as the loss of a loved one, job loss, or a major diagnosis.

Finally, remember that scams are crimes, and being a victim of a crime is never the victim’s fault. You wouldn’t blame your loved one if someone stole their car, their house was broken into, or they were mugged. Even if they left their car or house unlocked or chose to walk down a dark alley, it’s still the criminal’s fault for committing the crime. The same is true for scams. The only person at fault is the scammer who decided to swindle your loved one.

Be Empathetic

Whatever the situation, start with kindness, concern, and empathy. When a loved one loses money to a scammer, they already feel bad about it, and they’ve probably reached out to you for support. The last thing you want to do is make them feel even worse!

Being a victim of a scam can be really emotionally devastating. There have been cases of people committing suicide because of a scam’s impact. And they may find themselves suddenly in a frightening and precarious financial position because of the losses. Treat them like you would treat a loved one who had been the victim of any other crime – with kindness, empathy, and concern.

Listen

If a loved one opens up to you about losing money to a scam, they probably want someone to listen and validate their experience. As previously mentioned, scams can be horrible emotionally. And victims often get dismissed or even blamed for it when they try to get help. They may just want someone to listen.

So listen to them! Express your sympathy and concern, empathize with them, and don’t try to explain what they should have done differently, even if it seems obvious to you. They may just want someone to listen. And just listening will often make them feel better.

Validate Their Experience

If your loved one went to the police after they lost money to a scam, or even if they talked to other people about it, they probably were brushed off or dismissed. People often respond by asking how the victim could have been so stupid, or tell them all the things they should have done differently. Police will sometimes even say that since the victim “gave” the money to the scammer, it wasn’t a crime.

The only person to blame in this situation is the scammer. They’re the one who told the lie or set up the false pretenses to trick your loved one into sending them money so they could steal it. Validate the experience for your loved one. It was a horrible and cruel thing to go through, but it wasn’t their fault – just like with any crime, the only one to blame is the criminal.

Ask What They Need

The best way to show support for a loved one who lost money to a scam is to help meet whatever it is they need at that point. But it’s often hard to know what they need without asking. So ask! Even something as simple as, “How can I best support you right now?” will help. Different people want different kinds of support after something like this. They may just want to tell their story and get an empathetic response. They may want assistance figuring out what to do and how to get help.

Ask what it is they want, listen to the answer, and help them in the way they want. Whether that’s being a listening ear, helping them through the scam reporting process, giving them resources, helping them secure their information or deal with compromised accounts, or anything else. Even if they want to just put the whole incident behind them and move on, encourage them to report it to help other victims.

Give Them Resources

If they’re open to it, a great way to help a loved one who lost money to a scam is by pointing them towards resources that could help. Reporting is a great thing to do in every situation – whether or not they actually hear back, it helps law enforcement build a case against the scammers. And if they’re arrested and some money is recovered in the future, they could get some back.

Scam victim support groups can also be a great resource. Some people get a lot of comfort from being able to share their story in a group that will respond with compassion and empathy and get support from people who have experienced exactly what they went through. If it seems like they may need professional emotional support, a therapist is also a good resource.

You Found Out Your Loved One Lost Money to a Scam

Sometimes, you may find out that a loved one lost money to a scam without them telling you. Not everyone wants to share that they were a victim. In fact, many times people want to forget it happened and hide it from others. They probably didn’t tell you because they were ashamed that it happened.

If you find out a loved one was a scam victim, lead with empathy. We’ve already talked about how terrible the emotional impact of scams can be and how scams are never the victim’s fault. The fact that they didn’t tell you about it probably means that they’re particularly ashamed and probably never wanted you to know. That’s a hard situation for anyone to be in.

Consider If You Should Say Something

Depending on how you found out that they were a scam victim, they may or may not know you know. If they are aware you know, it’s much easier to have a conversation. If they don’t know that you found out, you first have to broach the topic before you can talk to them about it. And that can be an extremely hard conversation.

You know your loved one better than an online article, so only you can decide if you want to bring up the subject. There are a lot of factors to consider, such as how close the two of you are, how comfortable you think they would feel being vulnerable with you, and how you found out about the scam in the first place. Often, scam victims find that having someone who knows what happened and is empathetic towards them anyway is helpful. But if talking to them may make them defensive, angry, or more ashamed, you don’t want to make the situation worse.

Follow Their Lead

If you do talk to them about it, follow their lead. They may want to talk, in which case you can listen and react with compassion and validation. This is often extremely helpful for many victims. But they may not want to talk about it at all. Some victims deal with their feelings of shame, anger, and fear by trying to pretend it didn’t happen. If your loved one does not want to talk about the fact that they lost money to a scammer, don’t press. No matter what you think is right or will help, it’s their life and their choice if they want to share.

The same guidelines about being empathetic apply here. Don’t shame them or blame them for being a victim of a crime. Be kind, show empathy and compassion, and most of all, prove you’re a safe person to talk to about these things. Being a victim of a crime is incredibly hard and painful. It’s even harder when it’s a type of crime, like a scam, where many people will blame them for being victims. The best thing you can do to help is support them however they want to be helped.

Encourage Them to Take Action

Depending on what exactly happened, the scammer may have your loved one’s payment information, account access, or personal data that could put them at risk in the future. If that’s the case, encourage your loved one to take steps to limit the damage.

Also, even if they don’t want to talk about it, encourage them to report the scam. Reporting helps law enforcement put together more information on scams so they can better target scammers. It also helps leaders realize what a big problem scams are so they can allocate more resources to fighting them. In addition, if the scammers are ever caught and law enforcement gets some money from them, having a report means your loved one may get some of their money back. Don’t press or force them to do it. You can explain the benefits and offer to help if they want, but ultimately how they respond is up to them.

Your Loved One Doesn’t Realize They’re Being Scammed

This scenario is probably the hardest one to deal with. In this one, you find out that your loved one lost money to a scam – and in fact, they’re still losing money, because they don’t realize they’re being scammed. Some scams can really get their claws in people. They manipulate our emotions. Your loved one may not realize what’s actually going on.

It’s incredibly hard to help someone who doesn’t know they’re a victim. It’s also hard to watch someone you care about lose money to a scam over and over again because they can’t see what’s obvious to you. But it’s important to remember that the most important thing is keeping the relationship. Long-term scams like this often rely on isolating the victim from people who might help them. Even when it’s hard or frustrating, it’s important to let them know you still care about them and support them.

Be Compassionate

We keep coming back to this idea of being compassionate and empathetic and not judging or blaming. And that’s because these are both the most helpful responses to a loved one losing money to a scam and the ones that scam victims are least likely to get. Right now, your loved one is caught in the claws of an expert manipulator. They probably don’t even realize what they’re losing right now. And there’s very little you can actually do to stop it. When they realize what really happened, they’re going to be devastated. If you can keep a caring relationship through the scam, you can be prepared to help them when they become aware of the true impact.

It’s also essential to remember that being a victim of a scam, even if it seems like a really obvious scam to you, doesn’t mean that your loved one is stupid or incompetent. There’s a scam out there for everyone. And if a scammer hits you with the right pitch at the right moment of vulnerability, they’ll snare you, too. Think about it from their perspective. Is it really so shocking that your widowed mother would be thrilled by an online romance with a dashing military officer, your unemployed best friend would apply for a fake job, or your brother struggling to pay rent would jump at the financial hope of an investment scam? You can clearly see it’s a scam because you’re outside of the situation. To them, it probably feels like something is finally going their way.

Don’t Try to Argue

Did you ever date someone your parents didn’t like as a teenager, or had your teenage child date someone you didn’t like? Trying to argue your loved one out of the scam is like trying to argue a teenager out of dating someone because you don’t like them. It just doesn’t work.

You can’t debate someone out of their emotions. When your loved one is caught up in an emotional scam, they won’t believe anything you say about it. Worse, the scammer is probably giving them messages about how the people in their life are trying to sabotage them and nobody but the scammer understands them. If you try to argue, debate, or pressure them, it will actually validate what the scammer is saying and make the scammer look more legitimate. And it will probably cause your loved one to withdraw from you. As much as you may want to argue, don’t do it – it will backfire.

Do Have Conversations

Just because you shouldn’t argue doesn’t mean you can’t bring up your suspicions. If you can do it in a gentle, non-confrontational way, bringing up the red flags you see and asking them about them may help get them thinking. It can be as simple as, “This thing you mentioned seems weird to me, can you explain it to me?”

Chances are good they’ll have a reason not to worry about the red flag – either something the scammer told you or something they came up with to justify it. But depending on the situation and your loved one’s personality, they may resist, get defensive, or shut you down. Make it clear that you’re just concerned because you care about them. You don’t want to order them around, but you want to make sure they’re safe.

It’s also okay to drop a conversation before it gets heated. You don’t have to stop your loved one from losing money to a scam in a single conversation! In fact, if you feel them getting upset or defensive, it’s probably better to back off. But don’t let it go permanently. Bring it back up when you see new red flags or notice things changing or getting worse. It will probably take a lot of attempts before they actually start to think about the justifications they’re giving you.

Talk to People In Their Lives

You don’t have to be solely responsible for your loved one’s well-being. Depending on the situation, you can also talk to other people in their life to get help. If they’re buying gift cards, go to the stores in their area, explain to the managers that they’re getting scammed, and ask if they can be banned from buying gift cards. You may also be able to talk to their bank, let them know your loved one is being scammed, and ask what kind of controls, protections, or limits are available. They may not be able to tell you much if you’re not authorized on their accounts. But especially smaller banks and credit unions tend to be willing to help.

If the particular loved one is an aging parent, also consider talking to a lawyer about getting more control over their finances. That’s a big step, especially if your parent resists. You’ll have to balance the emotional impact to your parent – anger at you, frustration and loss of agency in their life – with how much risk they’re actually in. A situation where they’re losing a few hundred dollars a month is much different than one where they’re at risk of losing their house or not having money for food.

The Best Support is Emotional

Watching a loved one go through something emotionally and financially challenging can be really hard. You care about them and you want to help. But unfortunately, when the situation is that they lost money to a scam, there’s not a lot of help available.

There are also practical things you can help with, too. Reporting scams is hugely important, and you can help them figure out where, how, and what information they’ll need to do so. You can go with them to file a police report, either so they’re not alone or as an additional advocate for them, depending on what they need. You can also help them secure their personal information if they’re worried about identity theft or similar issues. The key is to follow their lead and help them the way they want to be helped.

The best thing you can really do is be a supportive, empathetic, compassionate person as they work through the emotional impact of being scammed. They’ll get enough blame from law enforcement, other people in their lives, and themselves. Even if you’re unable to help them financially or help them get their money back, if you can be a safe person to talk to, vent to, and ask for support, that’s a lot.