Protecting Kids in a Digital World is About Teaching, Not Banning
It’s no secret that we live in a high-tech world. With AI and the internet, tech is in our doorbells, our glasses, and our payment methods. And it’s in every part of childhood, from schools to entertainment to socializing. It’s easy to say that kids’ digital safety is important, but it’s much harder for parents to figure out what to allow, what to restrict, and how to strike a balance between teaching kids to be good digital citizens and protecting them from online dangers.
See Protecting Kids Online with Chris McKenna for a complete transcript of the Easy Prey podcast episode.
Chris McKenna spent twelve years in risk advising at Ernst & Young before going into the ministry. As a minister, he worked specifically with middle school kids. Around 2012, he started seeing more middle schoolers get their parents’ old smartphones when their parents got new ones. He grew concerned about all the potential dangers kids now had in their pockets, so he launched the website protectyoungeyes.com to try to help. After leaving ministry, he worked for a software company for a bit. But for the last three years, he has been working full-time with Protect Young Eyes to help families, schools, and churches figure out tech and create safer digital spaces for kids.
Why Kids Started Getting Tech
A lot of Gen X and older Millennial parents have a heightened sense of fear and anxiety about the world. Things like missing kids on milk jugs, Columbine, 9/11, and the ever-increasing stream of bad news in real time on the TV and then the internet made it easy to feel like the world was dangerous. By the time they started having kids, they believed the world today is more dangerous than the world they grew up in. Technology was a way to be able to contact their kids wherever they were.
Additionally, the early days of technology were presented as a great thing. A computer in your home was fun. You could talk to your friends, play games, and then walk away and get on with the rest of your life. A lot of what tech provided was great for humanity. Over time, that changed, and it became more integrated into our lives and altered by algorithms. It’s much different, but many parents still believe in the marketing. In many ways, tech is still great, but a lot of bad comes with it now. Sometimes good parents unintentionally harm their kids because marketing has convinced them it can’t be all that bad.
Finally, tech can be convenient. Parents who were born after 2000 grew up with screens. And it’s easy to use a screen to keep kids quiet in public – Chris understands the pressure to keep them from disrupting others. But there’s also a growing group of young Millennial and Gen Z parents who are going to the opposite end of the spectrum. Some are happy to hand their child a screen, and others are being more strict about protecting their kids’ digital safety and limiting their access.
Technology is Inescapable
In the past, technology changes were slower, and attitudes changed slower, too. We didn’t go from horse-drawn carriages to the Tesla Model S over the course of a few months. If you look at history, there’s a timeline from the 50s to the 80s of letting teens drive, then realizing teens aren’t good drivers and probably shouldn’t get high-performance cars. Because the tech progressed slowly, the challenges played out over decades.
But we went from the first iPhone to tablets designed for babies in approximately a decade. We took instant access to all human knowledge and put it in the hands of toddlers. Tech used to be something specific – microwave technology, or automobile technology. Now it’s everywhere and in everything. It’s in classrooms, in friendships, on the school bus, on TV, at youth group. Everything is, in some way, entangled with the internet. And that makes it hard for parents to protect kids’ digital safety.
Now we have instant access to the entire internet, the entire knowledge, good and bad, of humanity in a toddler’s hands.
Chris McKenna
Even kids playing outside isn’t necessarily internet-free. Chris wants his kids out riding their bikes and playing with their friends, but even if he’s restricted what his kids can access, he can’t control if their friends have the unfiltered supercomputers in their pockets. Back in the 1980s, there were a limited number of things Chris could do to majorly change his young life, and most of them would have taken a lot of effort. But the internet has collapsed the time and distance required for those things. Predators, PornHub, and other life-changing possibilities are much easier to access now than they were then.
Right Tech, Right Time
Chris is a big fan of the idea of the right tech at the right time, based on what you know about your child. When he was young, kids were warned to be suspicious of strangers promising puppies or candy. But not only are most child abuse victims hurt by people they know, there were a lot of other factors bringing down the risk, like communities being more closely-knit and jointly watching out for kids. But today, strangers aren’t getting access to your kid when they’re outside unmonitored. Instead, the risk is when they’re seemingly safe in their bedroom on an internet-connected device.
The way in which people we don’t know have access to our children has changed and has grown exponentially.
Chris McKenna
Chris doesn’t recommend telling kids what to look for. Instead, he thinks parents should teach kids what dangerous people sound like and what they ask for. Especially with AI and deepfakes, even a stranger can make themselves seem like someone you know. Teaching them the red flags, like asking them to move to Discord after you’ve been talking on Roblox, is essential for kids’ digital safety.
Kids now need devices to do their homework. They need to know how to handle it. The history book Chris carried around couldn’t let strangers talk to him or let him access porn or games. We’re asking kids to have discernment in ways we were never expected to at their age. It’s almost foolish to get mad when they make a mistake – you’re angry at a ten-year-old for being tricked by an MIT-trained software engineer. As a parent in a digital world, we need to have empathy.
We ask our kids to exercise discernment and self-control in ways that we never had it as children.
Chris McKenna
A Framework for Kids’ Digital Safety
Chris is a very left-brained guy, so he loves lists, especially with something as huge as the internet. There’s five habits he recommends for parents to do consistently. Our kids are exposed to algorithms that are sophisticated and persistent, so parents have to be persistent, too. These habits break down the complex concept of technology into manageable, practical things parents can do.
- Modeling the behavior you want your kids to have.
- Pursuing authentic relationships so your kids feel comfortable coming to you with difficult digital situations.
- Encouraging work and play that gives slow dopamine so they feel significant beyond screens.
- Delay addictive technology – not all of it, just the addictive stuff.
- Prevent harm with protections built into hardware, software, and rules.
Chris has seen these habits work over and over again all across the world. Whether it’s gaming, porn, social media, AI, or new technology we haven’t seen yet, this will set kids up for success. The best way to protect kids’ digital safety isn’t to give them free reign, but it also isn’t to keep them totally insulated. It’s teaching them discernment. Chris’s goal with Protect Young Eyes is to point parents in the right direction to help kids walk the narrow path of discerning how to use tech well. It’s not just about whether or not your kid should have Snapchat, it’s about teaching them to navigate technology throughout their life.
What we’re aiming for here is what are the behaviors, the traits, the learning that are going to help … navigate this technology in my life.
Chris McKenna
Kids Shouldn’t Have Social Media
Chris has spent decades working with children and studying childhood development. The preteen and young teen years involve a lot of identity formation and figuring out who you are. And in Chris’s experience, a junior high kid’s best version of themselves – emotionally, spiritually, relationally, and physically – doesn’t include social media.
[Kids’] best, most thriving junior high version of themselves doesn’t include Snapchat, doesn’t include Instagram, doesn’t include TikTok.
Chris McKenna
There are exceptions. For children who have been traumatized, neglected, or abused, sometimes the digital world can feel like their only refuge from an analog world that has been horrific to them. But while those cases exist, they’re the exception. For most young teens, no social media is best.
Navigating that conversation with your child can feel intimidating, because you want to do it in a way that doesn’t make your kid feel like you want them to be a social outcast. In the best case scenario, it doesn’t start the day they say they want a Snapchat account. Ideally you’ve been having the conversations and laying a foundation long ago, creating a family culture that handles tech based on your family values. That way, once the actual conversation happens, it doesn’t feel like it comes from nowhere and they better understand.
A Roadmap to Technology
An important part of this conversation with your child is that it’s not just about saying “No, you can’t do that,” it’s about showing them a roadmap to yes, based on behavior, trust, and similar factors. Maybe the progression starts with a smartwatch, then progresses to a device with talk, text, and GPS but no internet. From there, maybe they get a Bark phone. This progression protects kids’ digital safety and starts long before they get an actual smartphone.
You shouldn’t just hand your kid a device and let them go, either. There should be training involved, and parents should observe how kids handle each device. You want to make sure your child is ready to have a supercomputer in their pocket before you give it to them.
Talking is also a key part of this plan. Share with your kids why you’re making these decisions. You’ve done your homework and understand the dangers and risks of technology and how brain development works. So explain it to your kid. It’s also a good idea to talk to your child’s friends’ parents. Fear often gets in the way, but when a parent actually has the courage to initiate the conversation, you’d be surprised how often the other parents have similar thoughts. Work together to find other ways for your children to talk and create experiences that don’t depend on dangerous tech.
Penalties for Harming Kids’ Digital Safety
We’re seen an increase in lawsuits around social media companies causing harm to users. Meta is currently in the middle of a huge one. When these trials happen, there’s often a conversation about how parents need to do more to protect their kids. But two things can be true at once. Parents can and should own more of their kids’ digital safety. But lack of responsibility on parents’ part doesn’t excuse corporations knowingly allowing harm to happen to kids. Chris believes companies that knowingly allow children to be harmed should pay significant penalties.
A lack of parental responsibility should never excuse knowing corporate negligence.
Chris McKenna
After the Enron scandal, Congress passed the Sarbanes-Oxley Act in 2002 to make CEOs and CFOs personally liable for fraudulent financial statements and increased the penalties for fraud. And something like Enron hasn’t happened again, because that law made it more painful. What’s currently missing with social media is that pain that changes corporate behavior. Chris advocates for more penalties for corporate behavior that hurts children. Even if the current lawsuits don’t work, there will be more. And every time there is discovery in these cases or they go to trial, it creates a better roadmap for the next one. Eventually, companies like Meta will have to respond.
Chris sees a parallel with tobacco companies. Parents tell their kids not to smoke. But we also made manufacturers legally liable for marketing to kids and merchants legally liable for selling to kids. It’s a dual responsibility. Parents and companies both have responsibility, and one doesn’t negate the other. Tech is a complex, multilayered issue where multiple areas of society have responsibility. All of them have to do their part.
AI and Kids’ Digital Safety
AI went from a vague concept to the top app in every app store in less than a year. Chris tells parents that the AI talk is the new porn talk – you need to be talking to your kids about it. You may be surprised at how your child is already using it. Obviously it’s great for cheating. Some kids get really silly with it. And some get really emotionally invested.
Parents have two kinds of tools for these situations: Technical and relational. Relational tools are how you approach the conversation, and technical tools are things that limit access. Relationally, Chris recommends coming to the conversation with curiosity, not condemnation. On the technical side, every parent whose child has a device should have to approve every app download. And don’t just look at the age rating of the app, because those can be wrong. Also talk to your child about why they want to download the app and what they’re curious about.
One line Chris does draw is that no elementary schooler should be using AI. Maybe they should learn about it in terms of AI literacy or understanding, but they don’t need to be using it. In middle school, use should be only done with strong safeguards and when accompanied by an adult. AI companions like Replika and CompanionAI should be banned for minors – it exploits kids’ desires for friendship and connection, and having a friend in your pocket who agrees with everything you say is terrible for teens. You don’t have to avoid everything, but AI is one of those things you have to be very intentional about to teach kids to engage safely.
When it comes to education … no elementary schooler needs to be using AI, period.
Chris McKenna
What to Avoid for Kids’ Digital Safety
Chris has advocated the seven-day rule for a long time. When your kid wants to download an app, download it yourself first, create a profile with the same age and attributes as your kid, interact with the app for a week, and see what happens. What doe the algorithm give you? What ads do you get? At least in the Apple App Store, the age rating of the ads shown doesn’t have to relate to the age rating of the app itself. That’s the kind of thing you’re only going to find out by using it yourself.
After your trial period, determine if your child is ready for that and if you want them to experience it. And don’t just think about the content. Roblox, for example, is a neurologically intense experience because it moves so fast. This isn’t just a kids’ issue – it can be a challenge even for us as adults. Maybe for us it’s a breaking news app instead of Roblox, but
We’d like to say that this is just a kid’s issue [but] these things apply to us as adults as well.
Chris McKenna
Even though our brains may be more developed than kids’ brains in some areas, they’re still fundamentally the same. It’s almost as easy for us to get fixated on quick dopamine, fast-moving apps, and what other people are doing. That’s not an adult or child condition, it’s a human condition. Think about sports betting. Almost everything that pulls kids in is built on gambling-type principles. And so many adults get caught in those kinds of gambling or “prediction market” apps.
The Non-Negotiables for Kids’ Digital Safety
Chris has a few non-negotiables that he thinks always are crucial for kids’ digital safety. One of them is avoiding Snapchat. It’s horrible for young brains because it weaponizes their vulnerabilities, encourages them to keep coming back to maintain their “streak,” and gives them a false sense of worth. If Chris could get rid of one app, it would be that one.
He is also a firm advocate for every single device in every single home being monitored. It doesn’t matter who bought it or whose name is on it, every device in the home technically belongs to the parents. That’s parent-led ownership. Parents should be monitoring them.
Every single digital device in every single home should be monitored. Every single device in every home is owned by the parents.
Chris McKenna
There are small, practical things every parent and caregiver can do to reduce the risk. There’s never a way to eliminate all risks. And we can’t control state laws or how big trials shake out. But we can reduce the risks by doing practical things over and over again. Chris’s goal is to empower parents to own what they can control and lay the foundations to reduce the risk and protect their kids’ digital safety. Kids should be able to bumble a bit under their parents’ care, fail small, and have more discernment next time they come to that situation.
Chris McKenna’s book, 5 Habits of the Tech Ready Family, is available wherever books or audiobooks are sold. Learn more about Protect Young Eyes at protectyoungeyes.com, where they give a lot of resources away for free.